Friday, June 2, 2006

The Summer '06 Declaration

I have now decided that I'm going to dedicate my Summer of 2006 to doing absolutely, positively nothing, because this is an area in which I have already shown excellence, grace and form. And technique. I am going to lay on my back porch and let the sun cook my pasty American skin a healthy Iranian brown while periodically moving my head to utilize the straw that is connected to a barrel of Bellini mix, with actual champagne and peach puree, because I go all out and you know it. I'd think sexual thoughts about dancing, singing and mostly naked Italian girls feeding me melon and ham while saying "Prego" in an endless loop, but that would involve mental work, and I am against work in any form be it physical, mental and/or spiritual. Plus, chewing that meat and fruit would also be an effort, therefore all nutrients must be in liquid form, or if the Italian girls would be willing to chew it up like momma birds and place it into my slightly agape beak, that would be swell.

I'd recommend the same for you, but I don't like inflicting my philosophies on others. To quote Jean-Jacques Rousseau, "Give me health, wealth and liberty, oh no wait scratch that dude grab me a Blue Raspberry Slurpee from 7-11. What? You're not going to 7-11? Jesus fucking Christ why must everything in this world be a chore I mean really."