Monday, July 10, 2006

The Perks of Being Completely Broke and Homeless

Believe it or not, having no money and being homeless isn't as bad as you might imagine. Consider the following:

1. Pity sex. There are homeless dudes, right? But there are also homeless chicks ... right? And homeless chicks need dudes sometimes. Are you following me? There ain't much to do outside, either. Watching squirrels fuck only gives you dirty ideas.

2. Free food. Wasteful Americans throw out good quality food all the time. Hell, I throw out chunks of filet mignon regularly. So instead of paying high prices for delicious food, why not rifle through a garbage pail? You're destitute, not a caveman: use fire and cook that shit. Leftovers? Yummertime.

3. Nobody blames you for anything. Global warming? Not your deal. Terrible education for children? Your kids disowned you. Kim Jong-Il firing rockets into an L.A. Starbucks? Who's this King Wong Dill you speak of ... and isn't he in the Wu-Tang Clan?

4. Nobody expects anything from you. If a woman has a heart attack in front of you, you can't be expected to call 9-1-1 because you don't have a cell phone plan because you don't have money. Watch her die while eating the burnt filet mignon I talked about earlier.

5. Everyone's trying to help you. The government talks about how it needs to give money and jobs to the homeless. People win Nobel Prizes trying build you homes. God-fearing Christians pretend to love you so long as you don't stink up their living room. Weirdo filmmakers want you to fight other bums and sell the DVDs. The world is full of possibilities.

6. You get to hone your street-corner musician skills. Always wanted to be Dylan but didn't have the songwriting ability? Now all you need is an acoustic guitar with all its strings, a few licks and you'll be getting change in no time! Hell, that douche bag Jewel lived in a van and she acts like she survived in the Amazon for six years - and she sucks as a poet - so you have to be able to write *something* about your bum experience. The pavement hurts / my toes have warts / I just dookied in my shorts. There. I got you started.

7. You get to hone your street-corner madman skills. Composure and elegance are SO 17th Century. Vomiting on things, smoking the remains of cigarettes people have just spit out of their mouths, pissing in garbage cans and screaming incoherently are just the beginning. If you get really good, hitchhike to Hollywood, make sure you wear your Bum Attire and claim you're "Method." Or start painting and call yourself an "Outsider Artist." Très avant-garde!

8. No bands on MySpace try to add you. (This is self-explanatory.)

9. God talks to you. He doesn't talk to the Pope, Priests, Cardinals, lawyers, doctors, Roma Downey, Osama bin Laden (they play phone tag), televangelists, politicians or scientists. It's just you and President Bush. What's that Lord? Do a whole lot of cocaine and send 18-year-olds to die in a war for the profits of oil companies? Fuck, dude, that message is for Dubya! (Click.)

10. Drinking wine every day at 10 in the morning and bathing in a river are expected. You're drunk at 2 PM and talking to a chipmunk? No one cares. You're exposing yourself to the elderly and feeble while nude in the creek? You won't be arrested. A man's gotta wash his bits sometime: why not right now in broad daylight?

I'm sure there are other things I can't think of, but I am only one person, and to be honest, top ten lists are all the rage. Now if you don't mind me I have to get back to my glass of Glenlivet on the rocks, fondue and megs after megs of smut I just swiped off of the Internet. Thank you for your respect and consideration, etc.