Thursday, August 17, 2006

Receiving Gifts From Marlon Brando

Normally I don't try to think too much about my dreams - there are usually a lot of people getting massacred and bleeding sores and midgets - but just last night I had a dream in which a female postal employee came up to my front door and handed me a box of Mallomars and told me Marlon Brando sent them. The instant I looked up, she vanished. After taking the Mallomars I decided to go on a Ferris Wheel ride because that's what happened to be planted in my living room. I don't remember what happens next, but it probably had something to do with waves of violence and misery.

Upon awaking, all I could think about were Mallomars. I have never eaten a Mallomar or anything resembling a Mallomar in my life, so I decided my Mission For The Day was to purchase a box. I mean, when Marlon fucking Brando mails your subconscious a box of treats, that means something. I think it means Marlon Brando wants to clog my arteries with lard.

Today, after searching several poorly-stocked grocery stores, I failed to unearth a single box of Mallomars. Apparently Brando has gone from Ghost Form to Human Form and is ravaging the local stores for their chocolate and marshmallow and graham cracker treats. The stores were not out of butter, however, which happens to be what he asks the busty Maria Schneider to smear inside a certain orifice in Last Tango in Paris, but that's undoubtedly another dream for another night.