Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The Feast of St. Onan

Valentine's Day is so goddamn commercial and pretentious and gimmicky that the temptation to fight against it - regardless of pressing commitments and nonsense of that nature - is strong in the observant and defiant. And nonconformist. And me.

So if you are intolerant of materialism and social pressures and forced l'amour, turn the 14th of February completely on its head. Instead of directing that l'amour outwardly - towards the individual who puts up with your endless bullshit, listens to your boring stories and never stops calling you at odd hours to complain about how her life is being ruined by some other bitch - redirect it inwardly: turn Valentine's Day into the Feast of St. Onan, and let that love dribble all over your carpet.

For the Feast of St. Onan, I'm treating myself to a delicious dinner of bread and tea, because I know my body, and my body abhors extraneous fat. I'm going to put on Slayer's Seasons in the Abyss, an album that most expresses my views on humanity, while simultaneously surfing for material that NetNanny wouldn't just block, but actually report me to the local psychiatric ward. Then comes the hot shower with some Bath & Body Works scented soap shit that I didn't buy made of what could be monkey piss or coconut rain, who the hell knows any more. After lathering up with that and singing all of U2's "One" over and over while crying - or at least until the hot water runs out - comes the scented candles and velvet bathrobe and my screening of Cannibal Holocaust, a film about insensitivity in the less civilized parts of the world.

Before I decide to sleep the remnants of the night away, I'll make sure to do about four shots of Jack Daniel's, put on an overcoat and cut the tires of my next door neighbors' cars or smash their mailboxes - depending on how angry I am with them after the shots - just so when they wake up in the morning they're guaranteed to have a pleasant day.

In other words, we need to learn from Wise Onan and his selfish ways. Forget others, remember thyself and save the money you were going to spend on pendants or charms or chocolate or frying pans or flowers to use in more personal and creative ways (night vision goggles, frivolous vacations, imported beer).