Friday, September 11, 2009

Obama Is Correct Roughly 71-82% of the Time

Why was it that about a year ago, whenever Obama said virtually anything remotely intelligent ("Broccoli is good for your health," "War is expensive") you needed a Hazmat team to clean up the collective spooge caking up on the Internet and flowing freely through the streets (it was like the orgy at the end of that movie Perfume that only me and a guy from Cyprus I know bothered watching). Back then, Obama told you to brush your teeth and your gums started bleeding in anticipation. Obama told you to buy a Blackberry and Verizon immediately hired new slaves and trained them to rape you on your service plan. Obama said he liked cookies and you went into diabetic shock. Now, he's still making sense - all right, maybe 7-9% less, but you get the idea - and yet something changed in you. You're acting like Cornel West at a Klan rally or Frank Rich at a high school musical. The indignation is choking the oxygen out of you.

Well, get in that Iron Lung because baby, you've lost it again and we need you back. After eight years of America's first dictator you appeared to be prepped for a new Sheriff, but when Change, Hope and the Horsemen of the 21st Century moseyed up to the ranch you got all like, "Whoa, whoa, what about that color-coded alert thing that told me stuff was Orange and that meant I should report suspicious people at Whole Foods who weren't wearing baseball hats" and "Mr. President, you're using the intelligent words from those books we should have burned and me and Pa and Ma and the dogs are confused as all get out." A few months ago I could have accepted your skepticism: you're used to the guy who squinted and told you about bad guys and gettin' those bad guys and bombing rock formations and accomplishing missions and that waveboarding thing that makes the terror guys spill their guts. But it's been more than a few months and you're already reaching for the adult Pampers, the tin foil hats and running back to your bunkers.

Europe likes us? You're skeptical. Health care needs changing? You're skeptical. Infrastructure needs fixing? You're skeptical. The environment needs saving? You're skeptical. Gotta stop occupying foreign lands because it's dangerous and counterproductive? You're skeptical. Milk is a good source of calcium? You're skeptical. Closing Gitmo? You're not skeptical, you're hysterical. Get real, fellow peons: you don't have a job anymore because it got sent to Sri Lanka, you can't afford your medication and you don't even have a clunker to cash in. If you get really sick, no one is going to take care of you: the hospital orderlies are going to drive your ass to the seediest part of town and throw you in a gutter (seriously, they do that in Los Angeles). Will you be yelling, "This is America not Canada, fuck yeah!" when a derelict is urinating on you and it still feels like someone parked their Ford F-150 right on top of your chest?

Then, not only is CEO Barack - who some of you still think is from Kenya or someplace in Africa you couldn't find using Google Earth - trying to make sure everyone has some kind of health insurance and trying to keep people from dying and suffering - which is humane, you hicks - but then he comes out and says something else quite clear: that as a parents you're morons and your children are thug gangsters getting trounced intellectually on the world stage. He's right. "Don't post pictures of you and your friends robbing a liquor store on Facebook." Clear as day. "Reading books isn't always fun but it's how you learn." Okay. "Respect your teachers because they know more than you do." Nice reasoning. Nothing heretical in there, like those crazy ideas that homosexual couples should have the same rights as heterosexual couples or that the Earth is actually a sphere or that it's a natural phenomenon called gravity that keeps my Hyundai from floating into space.

I'm not saying you have to buy what the man is selling you right away, and I'll never say don't question the status quo, but give this some time. No, things aren't ironed out yet. It took God more than one day to build this shithole planet and even he screwed up royally. So take a deep breath in, a deep breath out, a deep breath in, a deep breath out, then stick your face in that brown bag you sprayed with paint and inhale sharply. Repeat until you love everyone and everything.