Sunday, February 19, 2012

#Occupy Logic and Reason

As some of you may be aware, there are people around the globe waging a war against the richest "1%" of the population, protesting against the extremities of Capitalism and the unfair wages the "99%" of the rest of the population are suffering through. And when I say "waging a war" what I mean by that is there are individuals who have taken to the streets with their tents and their baggies of food and their heavy clothes and they are expressing their disgust by sitting down and holding up signs and spreading bacteria to each other. It's as brutal a campaign as has ever been waged against the Powers That Be, more brutal than the Battle of Stalingrad or the Battle of the Bulge or the Battle of the Chosin Reservoir. In those battles, there were things used called "guns" and "knives" and "bombs," which led to direct casualties and disfiguring deformations and bloodshed and sorrow. In this battle, the Battle to Be Seen, Tolerated and Quietly Dismissed as a Farce, they're making hot cocoa and yelling and saying things other people told them to say because they read them on a blog and act really, really, really indignant and use that disappointed face your Mom used on you when you wet the bed.

The 1% is clearly cowering in fear.

The occupiers, chosen by Time Magazine as the Most Ineffective Protestors in the History of Protesting, are certainly getting their share of press and attention and pepper spray to the face. Their Goal is simple: they're mad. And ... they're still mad. Okay, let's face it, they have no goal. Except to be looked at and kind of noticed, like those obnoxious nerdy girls in the cafeteria who can be heard over everyone else but everyone does their damnedest to ignore and roll their eyes in disgust. Most people are waiting for them to give up and return to their cozy apartments with their parents, where they will once again go on Monster and CareerBuilder to get those part-time jobs they've been avoiding so defiantly.

The Occupiers have a brave and strong leader ... okay, wait, they don't have a leader. They have The Internet. And as we all know, The Internet is a great place to find people arguing with each other over the dumbest crap, people posting animated pictures of cats in boxes, people claiming celebrities have died (when those celebrities are alive and well), people posting videos of themselves talking about chicken wings and people obsessively stalking people they'll never know, meet or interact with in person via useless, sycophantic, soul-crushing social networking sites.

Meanwhile, on the other end, the 1% are sitting and trembling while wearing their poorly-tailored Dolce and Gabbana suits and clicking their computers and feeling remorse over making godlike sums of money. They are so glad they are not being tasered or beaten with clubs. They're partying in clubs with each other ... but doing it with the weight of the world on their shoulders. When they sail on their company yachts and fly in their company jets or do karaoke at their company parties, I'm sure they are deeply disturbed and concerned with the well-being of those who have never flown first class and have racked up thousands in credit card debt. I'm sure those sleepless nights they experience are due to worries about proto-hippies calling for a Change. I'm sure the 1% are swallowing Xanax by the fistful, praying for a sweet release from the agony of their existence. On the limo ride to their offices every morning, I'm sure they wish they could take all their money and make it rain: not on strippers, but on the poor, the weak, the infirm. Those collecting unemployment. Those making minimum wage. Those who drive beaten-up Chevys and are forced to smoke L&M's because those Nat Shermans are simply too expensive.

Right now, it's an emotional bloodbath. I have no clue how it will turn out. Maybe once the Occupiers win and the 1% give in, we'll have some New Wave Utopia come into being ... or some kind of New American Pact in place that everyone will happily sign. Maybe Wall Street will close its doors and turn its focus onto things like preserving the environment or making sure the hungry get fed or making sure health care is provided for all citizens. Maybe the birds will chirp a little louder. Maybe the sky will suddenly undergo a physics-defying transformation, and turn to a brighter, more fluorescent, Yves Klein-inspired blue. People will smile more at each other and crime will be nonexistent, because human nature will change permanently and no disagreements or law-breaking misbehavior will be necessary. Maybe the ozone layer will be replenished. Researchers, with their new lease on life and respect for human dignity, will release those cures for AIDS and cancer they've kept locked up. Children will respect their elders. Adults will respect their children. The world will give itself a massive hug and pat on the back and shake its own hand.

I wait with bated breath.

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