Sunday, July 22, 2012

Philosophy Is Over

... so everybody just start burning those classic texts because we don't need them anymore.  What do I mean?  In late 2011 some in-bred Canadian genius (and I'm not referring to Justin Bieber) basically did what Plato, Rousseau, my man Kierkegaard, Sartre, Foucault, Aristotle, Hegel or Mill could do.  He ended philosophy as we know it.  Sure, Wittgenstein tried with his Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus, and Kant got all bland and measured by talking about the Categorical Imperative, but they were nothing compared to this recent development.  Nothing.  And into mid 2012, it truly spread around ... like herpes.

This revolution in modern thinking came from a man named Aubrey Drake Graham, who has a Ph.D. from Cambridge and several honorary degrees (including ones from Johns Hopkins and Harvard).  He speaks multiple languages, has an IQ well over 100 and somehow survived being shot and rendered a cripple in high school to becoming a walking, talking, fast-stepping bundle of energy in his twenties.  In his magnum opus, La devise (translated into English as The Motto), he said four words: you only live once.

The world of intellectuals dropped to its collective knees.  Sartre's corpse turned over in its grave and had a cup of café au lait.  Kant's skeleton started shaking.  A stuffed Jeremy Bentham came to in its box in London, shuffled over to the iTunes store, listened to Dr. Graham's proclamation, raised his mummified finger to the cosmos and muttered (with a wax head), "This is what I was talking about!  He did it!"  All over the United States and Europe, the philosophy professors were taken outside, executed and had their offices gutted and replaced with photocopy machines.  Students all over the globe with degrees in philosophy had their diplomas simultaneously combust right on their walls, leaving only a shadow of the sheepskin that once hung there.

To call it landmark is an understatement ... and makes previous landmarks in critical thinking laughable in comparison.  It's so simple, too.  Basically it says - and I apologize if my translation doesn't give the original thesis its full due - "do whatever you want because your actions have no consequences on others or yourself and once you're dead who cares about anything or anyone."  That's it.  I must admit, my fingers and wrists and hands were trembling in ang ... I mean glee as I typed that (and no it's not because I have Delirium Tremens).  Come on, Aquinas, were you too busy eating bugs to think of that?

So if one is ever faced with some challenging life choice, it's probably best - according to Dr. Graham - to act whimsically.  Need money?  Commit crimes!  Crimes are beautiful and fun, and if you get caught, who cares?  So you end up with a life sentence in prison.  I repeat: who cares?  If you want to treat people like objects, it's fun to do so - they don't have emotions, they aren't human and their opinion of you is irrelevant.  Wanna make meth in your apartment and sell it?  I say bravo!  Pack up one day and live in an ashram; disown your family because it doesn't matter if they miss you or not.  If you don't have a soul, how can you possibly corrupt it?  Guilt magically evaporates: the pleasure of the moment is all.

Now, Nietzsche and Schopenhauer pondered whether or not such a thing as the Eternal Return is possible: the notion that time is cyclical and that the universe is recurring.  The Buddhists believe in karma - that bad deeds will be punished and good deeds will be rewarded (do good and good will be done to you).  Poets from various cultures and traditions have praised honor and trust and respect for one's fellow human beings.  In response to these individuals, Prof. Graham not only says that they are totally whack, but they're also pussies and should climb on his dick.

The case, thankfully, has been made.  Adopt the philosophy immediately and never regret it.  If some miscreant challenges you and asks, "... but what if you don't only live once?," brand that unbeliever a heretic and cast him/her out of the kingdom.  Thinking is merely a thing of the past.

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